Whilst I was working away like a maniac as usual; I suddenly had a thought about why some people buried themselves with career, fame, money or etc…I know those things give us sense of security, sense of achievement or social status or whatever it is but can those things literally keep us all warm in the cold winter watching the snow falls, substitute physical touch, or keep you company in a wet & cold rainy day..staying in watching the rain pour and talking away about everything under the sheets…
I wondered….. If it is because of LOVE – for love can somewhat be super scary, it takes you to places you never thought you would be, it makes you do craziest things ever, it leaves you burnt, high and low – it makes you feel completely out of control. Mental isn’t it…
Is it true that we are using those things to replaced what we’re missing?
Career – Are we really happy to come home to no one at the end of a long rubbish day at work – you open the door, turn on the light in the hallway and walk straight right to the usual place where you sit your tired old soul down and tell yourself “I’m done for the day and tomorrow just another day”. 30 minutes later you make your way to the kitchen to the fridge, grasp some ice cold beverage and thinking of what to do next… Basically Loving yourself, enjoying your own company is very important to certain extend… that I know. But to what extend? You will somehow grow old and be pleased looking back “Oh, I’ve done so much and I feel great” – except for you have no one to share it with…
Money – It is not God but it is part of our lives in the present-day; Hell yeah we all know that! You could be investing your money in let say; stock market (then found yourself frowning every single time you turn to the financial page in the newspaper to only realise that, Gah! this is not good “Up & Down” again! – Stressing out!) Some invests in property market, some just put the money in the bank or some starts a small business. But can you buy Love or Friendship or Marriage with money? Can money keep you warm?
Maybe it can – just get yourself a thick and warm huge bed with a fine 1000 counts cashmere duvet…..that will do eh?
Social Status – Of course if you are successful in your career with a high profile placed in social hierarchy, everyone knows who you are (But how many of them you really KNOW, or them really KNOW you?) Sort of like again an obligation to behave and conform into society due to your social status and the position you are in. You then have to try to make an “ACT” a habit or make it WHO YOU ARE (when clearly some of us just wanna be happy and be ourselves without any one passing judgmental comments) – But…At the end of the day, you go home end up being alone, go to bed alone, wake up alone (or alternatively you can look for some short term companion depends you see)
Called me NAIVE – I wouldn’t give a flying F…If I’m honest.
I’ve always been blessed in my career but relationship. I used to think (a donkey years ago) – I wanted to give up on relationship, because I am sick and tired of what’s going on with this generation and how people treat one another like. Obviously I was MEGA JADED and I CAN NEVER TRUST ANYONE– Was in such a momentum for a bit but come to realisation a few days ago (never too late to rethink) that I want to get out of this! It so lame that this only happen today and during office hour when I am suppose to be working not wander-roaming around in my head about my love life. However I’m glad I did though its going to take me a while to finish this post but I trust my gut-feeling that this is going to be good for myself – Better be Late than No Show right?
I asked myself; why I buried myself with work, going out singing “Adele” away with my girl friends at the local karaoke, travel by myself, and never in a million years talk to stranger…..
I got the answer – and it was pretty simple one after been writing those long-winded self justification or what I thought could of been….
Feel like taking the bullet now that I am going to have to swallow my own pride and ego – but I think I know why I have been doing all of those things (What I’ve just mentioned) to myself.
Because of the “Feeling of Abandonment”, The child inside of me that is still throwing tantrums every now and then. Having to deal with the “Death of a Loved one” at the age of 7, I’ve got no bloody clue what was going on and sadly I was not at the same location with my father when it happened and took his life away so as there was no closure, no goodbyes or last words; it was just the loss. I was suffering from this…funny now that after I step out of the box I see the old me better than before…I’m glad I finally got it off me.
I think what I was dealing with were the issues of uncertainty of whether my father will ever return – there were so many question marks in my head, it is indeed affecting me, of how I view things, life and how I am unable to trust anyone. I’ve been reading up on some articles about this issue and I learned that people with this issue will deal with the pain by 2 ways;
1. You might become overly needy and require constant attention and reassurance…..or
2. You might resolve to never allow yourself to become deeply invested in anyone ever again
If…If you are either of the above mentioned category; tend to keep friends, relative, and romantic interests at an arm’s length, and will not become deeply emotionally involved, so that if and when abandonment occurs again, the hurt won’t be that deep…..
Bingo! I guess I am right – Well I know it is hard to accept this kind of thing….but I think it is never too late to sort it out and save yourself from letting go of the great things/people/opportunities just because of your own issue. Knowing you can solve it and let go of it might even leads you to a blissful relationship or you can just be happier with your life…who knows right?
God put us in this world for reasons, might as well enjoy every waking moment and live life to the fullest and do what you came here for. There isn’t a statue limitations for being the way we are when plan B or C always there for us – Just gotta take the step in mitigation to sort it out rather than keep on doing what you don’t even know if its going to lead you to permanent happiness.
Well, at least I am doing myself a favour at getting back up on the horse…in fact I am pretty pleased with myself for what I called a revelation in the light of day at work like this 😛
I know it is very easy to put the blame on someone else for the way you are but that is not cool. I have to say that even if (or somewhat true that) I am emotionally fucked up I will never in a Million years put the blame on others – you gotta be responsible for who, how, what, where you are – Because you ALLOWED it. No one else. Amen!!!!
Happy Mid Week & God Bless!